


cut or singe a slender thread

by asphodelgrimoire



Series: sinners in the hands of an angry god [4]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Psychological Trauma, Trans Aaron Burr, Trans Male Character, bc they aren't ready for it ok, decidedly not having the sex that is discussed, discussion of sex, neither of them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-13
Updated: 2016-06-13
Packaged: 2018-07-14 22:20:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7193171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asphodelgrimoire/pseuds/asphodelgrimoire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The ride back is quiet, pleasantly so, and the air-conditioned car is certainly relief from the summer heat.</p><p>One of the girls is chewing on some gummy bears. "Why are you wearing a sweater in the summer?" She asks, disturbing the quiet and Aaron's state of mind. He grasps for some answer that he would be willing to say out loud and also wouldn't upset a high school girl.</p>
            </blockquote>





	cut or singe a slender thread

**Author's Note:**

> i don't have much to say about this one tbh
> 
> it's a little confusing, but hey
> 
> title is from jonathan edwards' sermon

They do go to Mystic, eventually.

It's exactly what Aaron needs, even if it means being dragged from store to store by Elizabeth and her friends. They don't bother with Jon, presumably since they've met him many times, and that means he's old news. Aaron is fresh blood, a little closer to their age, and not an older sibling. That alone makes him desirable as a shopping companion. He doesn't talk to them much, nods or shakes his head, and deflects any and all conversation about college. They don't need his input.

Jon stays close, but he's not close enough. Aaron wishes that he was brave enough to ask for the same kind of affection in public. But he's not, so Jon stays where he is, eyeing a rusted key disinterestedly while Elizabeth takes a photo with her friends in front of a small statue.

Eventually, Jon catches up with him in the maze of knick-knacks and joins him in browsing. "If you find anything you like, you can have it," he says quietly. Aaron knows he means it, and no one's ever spent money on him before. Jon wanders a little, then follows the sound of his sister's giggling. Aaron allows himself only a bit of guilt when he picks up an empty decrepit first aid tin a few minutes later. The label on the inside is in French, and almost completely scratched off. He doesn't look at the tag, because he likes it a lot, and he doesn't want to have to put it back.

He gets the tin, and the cashier wraps it up pretty for him. Jon smiles at his choice. Elizabeth gets some sort of jewelry and a leather-bound book that seems too fragile to hold, even. She has her own credit card, and her friends do too. Aaron never got a credit card as a teen. He still doesn't have one.

Once out of the antique store, Elizabeth spins around to face him. "Where do _you_ want to go next?"

Aaron stutters for a moment, glancing to Jon to help him decide, but he has the same expectant look on his face as the three girls. There's a seafood place, a law office, a small inn, a candy store, a boutique, and an herbal supply store, so he picks the least confusing.

"The candy shop?" He says, as if it's a question.

Elizabeth shrugs, but Jon hums approvingly and takes Aaron by the hand. "Good choice," he says, and lets Aaron lead the way. He only has to turn left on the sidewalk and pass a convenience store to end at the festive front steps of the shop. Looking around once he enters, he thinks that it's a dream come true. A childhood he didn't have.

He's looking at the floor initially, slightly abashed at Jon's approval, and all he sees are monochrome checkers and the base of a red counter. He smells rich chocolate and spice, butterscotch and cherries- sweet enough to make him a little sick after all the walking. When he does look up, he sees that the store is bright, crowded, and lined to the brim with different types of confections. Aaron can't tell if he likes it or not. Elizabeth and her friends move to the counter, standing on their tiptoes to see a chalkboard menu on the wall behind the counter. He looks away, knows that they don't deserve his jealousy. He just wishes that his record was as clean as theirs, so that he wouldn't be nauseated and overwhelmed by what would be considered heaven for anyone else.

He walks, a little disoriented, to the row of lidded dishes against the farthest wall. The name tags in them have little doodles, like orange outlining and a green stem on the PUMPKIN CHEESECAKE tag. Aaron focuses on that, counting the letters and tracing the scribbles. It doesn't look like cheesecake, but he doesn't know what else it could be with the tag.

Two hands clasp his shoulders suddenly. He doesn't jump, but his stomach twists. "It's fudge," Jon explains from behind Aaron. He peeks over Aaron's shoulder to smile reassuringly at him, but he doesn't feel reassured in the slightest. "I'm think I'm going to get a slab of the peanut butter," Jon says, this time mostly to himself. He grabs a plastic bag and starts filling it with what he wants. "Anything for you?"

Aaron looks around, panicking. But Jon is patient and continues until he's satisfied with the amount of fudge in his bag. By that point, Aaron is less terrified by the crowd, and Jon is closer to him. "Um, the banana cream?"

"You don't have to get anything," Jon says, even as he fills the rest of the bag with pale yellow bars like no one's there to stop him. "Whatever you want," he says then, earnestly, turning around to face Aaron, and to get a twist tie.

"I want it," Aaron responds, even though he isn't sure. He trusts Jon to know those sort of things.

Jon nods and goes to the counter, but stops halfway there. "Oh! Do you want a milkshake or something?" Aaron shakes his head though, and he nods again. "Right," And then pays for the fudge without another word. They wait outside, Jon popping peanut butter chunks into his mouth every so often, while Elizabeth's friends finish up.

The ride back is quiet, pleasantly so, and the air-conditioned car is certainly relief from the summer heat.

One of the girls is chewing on some gummy bears. "Why are you wearing a sweater in the summer?" She asks, disturbing the quiet and Aaron's state of mind. He grasps for some answer that he would be willing to say out loud and also wouldn't upset a high school girl.

"Anemia," Jon says, alleviating the need for an explanation. He then looks to Aaron, feigns guilt. "Oh, sorry, I should have let you said it. I shouldn't blab about your health, you know, I just-"

"No, no, it's okay. You know more about it than I do, you could explain it better," Aaron plays along, trying to make his smile seem assuring and amiable rather than lovesick.

Elizabeth has a knowing look on her face in the rearview mirror.

The other girls see right through him- well- in a way. They look between Jon and Aaron, hands on their hearts with touched expressions. It's a shallow sort of understanding, he thinks, and it's for the better.

Aaron sometimes wishes he could tell the full story, wishes he had the words to describe how he feels when Jon wraps his arms around him, wishes he had a camera to catch the look in Jon's eyes when they exchange whispers late at night. But he isn't brave enough, competent enough, and other times he doesn't want anybody else to know what they have.

Before he knows it, all the girls have been dropped off at their respective houses, including Elizabeth, who opts for a sleepover at one of their houses. She makes a clicking noise with her tongue as she gets out, lackadaisically explaining that she already has clothes at Sophia's house and that they have the same phone charger. She then whistles and drums on the roof of the car lightly, giving Jon one more cryptic scolding look before she's in the door.

It's a short distance, so it's again silent.

Once he's back in the house, he can breathe. Mrs. Bellamy is visiting her sister with the little ones, and Mr. Bellamy is in New Jersey, visiting prisons and shelters and help groups alike. Despite his fears, Aaron knows that Joseph Bellamy is an exceptional person and pastor. That doesn’t stop him from worrying constantly.

For now, it's just Jon, Lucy, and Sam. Aaron can handle this.

He makes a beeline for _his_ bed as soon as he can, falling onto it face-first and dropping the tin he got onto the floor. He rolls over to see Jon staring down at him. His ears are still ringing, but Aaron manages to scrunch up his face enough to make Jon laugh. That isn't what he wants. He squirms on the comforter and summons the energy to sit up.

"Why are you up there?" He asks.

Jon sighs fondly and unbuttons his jeans, then slides into bed next to Aaron. "Don't you want to be under the covers?"

Aaron shakes his head and lifts his hips so that Jon can take his pants off too. "Please."

"Please what?" There isn't a hint of teasing or malice in Jon's voice, but even so, it gives Aaron a migraine. He tries a few times, shakes his head and stutters. "It's okay," he says, quiet as he peels Aaron's slacks off and grabs his ankles, kissing one adoringly. "You don't have to know. You don't have to tell me."

"Please- touch me," He doesn't know the words, and nothing stops the ones he used from having a different implication. He's not sure what sort of implication he wants it to carry.

Jon seems to understand what that means perfectly though, and he almost cries tears of joy when Jon scoots forward and lowers himself to blanket Aaron neatly. He winds his arms around Jon to keep him close and shuts his eyes, sighing contentedly into the juncture between Jon's shoulders and neck.

Aaron arches a little, so that their hips and midsections align, and he decides that he likes it. Of course, he would almost like anything involving being held by Jon, but he especially likes the feeling of soft warm skin through the fabric between them. Likes feeling him breathe.

"Is that good?" Jon mumbles against his jawline and rocks back and forth.

Aaron nods. "Yes," he says, more clearly. He rocks right back, harder, his smile coy.

Jon's expression shifts suddenly. "No," he warns. Aaron recoils, panic-stricken, and his face softens a little. "I don't mean- we just shouldn't," he clarifies. It doesn't help. Jon sits back on his ankles and touches Aaron's shoulder lightly even as tears well up in his eyes.

"Sorry," Aaron says, trying not to let them fall, because he shouldn't be wanting sex in the first place. He shouldn't be asking for it. He shouldn't be making Jon feel guilty if he doesn't want it too.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for," Jon replies and frowns. He opens his arms to let Aaron slot in if he wants to, which he does. He _doesn't_ want Jon to feel like he has to though, so he hesitates, but quickly and selfishly gives into his need to be held. "I want to," Jon says softly and kisses Aaron's forehead. "But you're really tired, and I don't want to hurt you."

Aaron has the mind to be angry, but it isn't fair to start shouting when Jon is being so sweet to him. A little comes out anyway. "Okay," he says, curt. Aaron knows better than anyone what state of mind he's in. Still, he hopes that Jon will be right, it'll turn out that he wasn't ready, that he'll appreciate this one day. But he knows realistically that he'll probably just resent it more, because he is ready. "Okay," he says again, and the word tastes less bitter. He then realizes that even if Jon says he wants sex, he wouldn't enjoy it if he thought he would be hurting Aaron. He doesn't want Jon to feel scared for him.

It's strange to think about, someone caring about how he's doing.

Jon seems to realize his transgression and holds him tighter. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have scared you like that. I just- I worry about hurting you all the time. I don't want to-"

Aaron straddles him, shrugs his arms off, and wraps his own arms around Jon. "I know. It's okay," he murmurs, even though he privately thinks that Jon could never hurt him. Aaron rubs his back in circles, not quite knowing what else to say to comfort him. He's conflicted himself. He wants to be angry at Jon for treating him like he's a baby bird, bones hollow and fragile, but his chest gets tight thinking that anybody would want to be gentle with him.

Jon noses at his collarbone for a moment and places his hands on Aaron's back, gently tilts him to lie back down. He sighs, and lets Jon lean over him once again. They're touching more this time, bodies lined up completely. Jon finally touches his lips to Aaron's, and he's smiling. He tastes like peanut butter. Aaron smiles back.

"You'd be perfect," Aaron says quietly, watching his face become confused. "You'd be so careful with me," He brushes his thumb over Jon's cheekbone. He feels the smile come back full-force, albeit abashedly. "Would take care of me," he whispers, and Jon nods, beaming.

"I would," he replies. "I will."

Aaron rests his head on Jon's shoulder and smiles so much that it hurts. He knows he won't regret waiting.

He wishes that he'd realized Jon was worth waiting for earlier.

**Author's Note:**

> u can find me @ transaaronburr.tumblr.com


End file.
